(Note: I'm blogging today instead of tomorrow because tomorrow I'll be in DC to lobby against the Stupak amendment. Want to get involved? Check out ChoiceUSA to see what's happening in YOUR communities!)

After we lost Question 1 here in Maine I was pretty upset. But, more than being upset, I was kind of at a loss for what to do. I had just thrown myself so entirely into something that I cared about, yes, but that also gave me a real, political community outside of my school. My school is fabulous, and progressive, and a lot of other things, but sometimes we're not very political.

This campaign showed me that, a mere 28 minutes away, there was a community. Sure, they were all a little older than me, and it wasn't like they routinely met or anything. But they were there, and they were accepting, and I'd just spent 18 hours a day for a few weeks with them. I didn't want to lose that.

So I went to church.

I live in Maine.

Yesterday I was at a bar in Bangor with organizers from all over "northern" Maine as we debriefed and then watched the results come in. First we were optimistic - the numbers were in our favor. We watched as our lead shrunk, and then we fell behind.

I don't think I will ever understand how this can happen, much less how this could have happened 34 times at this point. I'm 22 and I have been fighting for equality since I was 12. Obviously I'm not going to stop fighting, but I just don't understand.

I cried long and hard last night as we drove back from Bangor to Ellsworth, and then as I drove myself back to Bar Harbor. And I know that, had we won, there wouldn't have been heartbroken people on our opposition's side crying. Their campaign was about fear and homophobia and lies. Ours was about love. I just don't understand, and I don't know I ever will.

I am so grateful for the amazing people I met during this campaign. Beth, Fran, Mkayla, Vince and Jeana are all amazing people and I feel so lucky to have them on my side. And I know we will win this. But, again, it hurts.

Even if you don't believe in marriage because it's a patriarchal institution, or it's not something you want for yourself or you don't believe that people should have to be coupled to get tax breaks or whatever you reasons - please be kind to your LGBT friends who do believe that marriage equality is important. I walked into the cafeteria today and a friend of mine took one look at me and just gave me a hug, and then her boyfriend did the same. It means so much to have supportive friends - let's all be kind for awhile here, and not play the blame game, yes?

We're on day 3 of RA training here. Because I know everyone else on the RA team pretty well (my school is teeny - we only have 12 RAs) and we are all generally pretty good people there was no awkwardness with starting this year. I guess the only thing I should really work on is really correcting people about pronouns; it is starting to get more awkward for me when people use the "wrong" ones. But even on that front most everyone is pretty good about it.

Today the dean of student life took me aside to ask how I was doing, and we talked about what I was going to say to my residents - whether or not I wanted to tell them I was trans, and how I'd like that to go down. She basically wanted to make sure that we were on the same page with everything. It was a good conversation, and definitely reminded me that I go to a school that I really love.

I'm never quite sure when to say things to people. I feel like if I actually interject whenever anybody makes a comment or says something that could be offensive (not just about gender/gender identity/gender expression, but about anything) then people will find me more annoying than they already do. But there's a lot of things that make me go "wait, no, that's not ok." I'm definitely more social justice minded than a lot of other folks my age. That's not good or bad, but it is different and does give me a way different perspective on a lot of things that people say.

Lastly in this disjointed blog post - I have all females in my house. That's not by concious intent - all houses on our campus are coed. It's just how housing worked out (please keep in mind that my house has 7 people in total - I'm only in charge of 6 residents). But I feel like that might get awkward somehow, though I'm not sure what my actual worries are.

I'm sure this will all abate once I actually meet my residents.

Yesterday was the hearing on H.1728/S.1687, An Act Relative to Gender-Based Discrimination and Hate Crimes, here in Massachusetts. Last year this bill never made it out of study, and we're hoping for a better outcome this year. The hearing was set to start at 2:30, and members of our organization met at 9:30 to put the finishing touches on our testimony and plans, and then headed over to the state house.