My name is Ernesto Dominguez; my friends call me “E.” I am a 21-year-old youth living in Portland, Oregon. I was born in Guadalajara, Mexico and grew up in the beautiful city of Salt Lake. If I had to define my sexual orientation today, I would say Queer – I tend to mostly just think of myself as a sexual being that is attracted to other sexual beings. If I had to define my gender identity today, I would say I consider myself cisgender, but also gender queer. At its core, what that means is, my gender expression tends to fluctuate (sometimes dramatically) from month to month, or sometimes day to day. On the other hand though, I have always really enjoyed my male body and never felt a need to change it in any way.

My coming out experience was different from my non-people of color (POC) peers for a number of reasons, thus making it quite different than other youth’s experiences. Because I was not white, my mother would always tell me to try and fit in, instead of standing out – that simply by being gay, I was making myself stand out from the rest of the population and subsequently was making my family stand out. My sexual orientation was a reflection not just on myself, but also on the rest of my family. Our family already had a “strike” against us for being from another country, and my sexuality only served to give my family another one.

I struggled with this identity for a number of years, and shortly after coming out turned to self-harm to deal with the rough emotions that I was going through. I have never really spoken openly about my experimentation with self harm and have a difficult time reflecting on these experiences because of the stigma that is placed on youth who think about or attempt suicide. During high school my mom tried varies means to “turn” me straight. After each of these episodes (once even consisted of an exorcism) I would hide in my room or run to the field behind our house and cut my thighs or wrists. I would use the pain to help deal with the ostracism that I was facing within my own family.

Eventually I attempted suicide by swallowing pills with my best friend (we had made a pact to complete suicide together) and only survived because I didn’t understand the strengths of medicines and thought 20 pills would be enough for both of us. Luckily, I found the Trevor Project before ever wanting to attempt suicide again. Their volunteers gave me the help I needed at a time that I needed it the most. I found local resources and now am a volunteer for The Trevor Project’s Youth Advisory Council. Suicide and self- harm is something many youth experience. For each suicide completed, there are countless others who attempt. Without The Trevor Project, some of those youth would not be alive. The Trevor Project saved my life. It’s not easy for me to write about this experience, but it is important for people to come out of the closet about self-harm and suicide. Suicide is one of the leading causes of death among youth. LGBTQ youth are even at greater risk for these and other risk factors.

I decided to share my story during National Suicide Prevention Week in the hope that you will, too.

“E”rnesto Dominguez is a member of theYouth Advisory Council for The Trevor Project.